machineries of joy

I keep being in this really weird funk, where I just feel sad all the time and am always tired and it is the worst. 

I have been driving so much, it used to be my favorite thing, driving places is my most favorite thing. I used to love driving downtown to go to the market, but now it always seems like a chore. I used to love driving to work on dirt roads, but now I always feel like I am in a rush and I never buy popsicles at the gas station anymore. I used to love weekend road trips, but now the 3 hour drive to bellevile to see austin, is practically the longest most unenjoyable thing ever. I loved living out of my car last summer, I never seemed to be home and it was the best. 

Now I just avoid doing things because I don’t want to drive there. 

I think maybe I am sick of going places alone, which is stupid, because until this year doing things alone was my most favorite thing next to driving places alone. 

I keep having all the weird insecurities and then I get mad at myself for being so self involved and then I just feel sad. 

Starting now I am going to get popsicles and/or iced coffee on my way to work and enjoy my country driving. I am going to start driving downtown once a week and shop or go to the gallery by myself and not feel anxious the entire time that I am alone. 

I feel like typing this will make me more assertive with myself in doing these things. 

I am going to

change my room around

stop complaining all the time 

start making things again 

get better at sewing this summer

stop cutting my own t shirts

and start being happy again